Addiction and Recovery Are Not Random - Part Two

When I see someone in my office for the first time, I ask a lot of questions. I always say, “We are going to talk a little bit about a lot of things, so I can understand a bigger picture of who you are.” The questions I ask are intentional. If someone is coming to see me due to concerns about substance use, we talk about how it started, how it’s going, and what their use looks like individually to them. I’m gathering all of this information to paint a picture to see if I can identify the patterns of a substance use disorder. As I said in the previous post, addiction is not random and it has characteristics that manifest over time.

And just like the development of addiction follows patterns, the path to recovery often has a rhythm of its own. As we dive deeper today, I want to focus on addiction recovery, as well as family recovery.

OK, I Need Help

Recovery often begins with a genuine desire for help, even if that desire feels small or uncertain at first. We see this in the Jellinek Curve from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, which shows the upswing from addiction into recovery as beginning with a desire for help and education about the disease of addiction. For family members, it’s important to remember that no single thing can bring someone to this desire, and often it involves a long process with a variety of steps. We cannot make anyone change. Can we influence? Absolutely. More on that later in the blog.

Acknowledgement is the first phase. We may experience our loved ones somewhere in pre-contemplation or contemplation, where someone may not yet see a problem, or may begin to recognize it but feel conflicted about change, according to the stages of change model. For family members, patience here is key. If you see something, say something, but remember that avoiding ultimatums and expressing concern compassionately are important guideposts. When you have a concern, express it using “I” statements, like “I’m worried about your health.” Encourage self-reflection by sharing stories and resources, but respect their pace.

OK, Let’s Get Ready

I see it, I acknowledge it, I know change needs to happen, so now we begin exploring how to make it happen. In the preparation stage, your loved one makes a decision to take action and begins to prepare for change. These subtle shifts can be difficult to see, so again, patience is key. This may look like researching treatment options, talking to professionals, or making a plan for quitting. They may still feel nervous or uncertain, but ready to move forward.

Change here is often gradual and intentional. For family members, we can provide encouragement and practice help. Help them explore treatment programs, support groups, or counseling options, all the while remembering that any action towards these belongs to them. Let them know they are not alone in this process. One of the most powerful questions I teach folks is, “What do you need from me?” Sometimes they need you to listen, sometimes they need feedback, and sometimes they may need practical help looking for options.

OK, Let’s Do It

The next stage of change is action. This is when all those moments of planning begin to move forward. As the name suggests, this is the active phase! Your loved one may enter detox, rehab, outpatient treatment, therapy, or start attending support groups. They stop using substances and begin learning new coping strategies. This phase requires intense effort and commitment. Pay attention to the changes you’re seeing, and name them. Don’t be afraid to offer positive reinforcement when you notice the changes.

Family involvement can be very helpful, so you may be invited to participate in family therapy or other family support groups. Please consider doing this. While it can be a vulnerable experience, it helps our loved ones know they aren’t alone and that we are also willing to “do the work.” Remember, early recovery can be challenging. Your loved one may experience withdrawal symptoms, mood swings, and cravings. These things do not signal failure and they are not a reason to panic. Family members can be key in providing a stable and supportive environment, so we want to find our own outlets for managing our anxiety around their recovery journey. This is all part of our recovery, too.

Change Is Here! Now What?

I would love to say that our loved one’s treatment experience is where our struggles end, but in a lot of ways, it’s often just the beginning of the journey. While they are engaged in treatment, they are in the phase of early recovery. They are learning to maintain recovery day by day, really leaning on the mantra, “One Day At A Time.” They work to build healthier habits, rebuild relationships, and address any underlying issues like trauma or mental health conditions. This stage often involves regular meetings, counseling, or continued treatment. As family members, we want to celebrate successes, no matter how small. Relapse urges can still be strong, but don’t panic! Talking about cravings and triggers is actually a good thing. It’s when our loved ones keep them bottled up inside that they can cause real problems. Most importantly, maintain your own self-care and boundaries to avoid burnout for yourself as a family member in this phase.

When our loved one enters maintenance, this means they have sustained sobriety for a significant period of time. While “significant” can be subjective, this is often considered to be six months or more. They are better equipped to handle triggers and stress without turning back to substances. Recovery becomes part of their identity, with new routines and goals. For family members, we continue to support by encouraging healthy lifestyle choices. Maybe we join them for a Saturday morning walk or create space for a weekly check-in together. Be mindful that recovery is ongoing. Respect their autonomy but remain available. Remember, “What do you need from me?”

Relapse?!

Relapse can be a scary part of this process. No one is doomed to relapse, but no one is immune from relapse. Many people return to use at some point after a period of abstinence, but it does not signal failure. People often learn a lot about what was missing in their recovery program when they experience a relapse, and it can strengthen their program. As family members, we don’t want to panic. Compassion has a greater influence on our loved one’s recovery than anger or shame. Will you feel angry? Sure! It’s important to process those feelings with people you trust who can support your own recovery journey. We can stay close to offer support and help reconnect with resources if needed, while still holding our own boundaries. Relapse can be a learning tool for our loved one and ourselves as well.

Recovery Is Possible, And It’s A Process

Addiction and recovery are not random, but they are deeply human. While there are patterns, each person’s path is their own, which is why patience, support, and compassion matter so much. Recovery is not just stopping use. Recovery is about rebuilding a life. That process, for both us and our loved ones, takes time. Families often need their own support to cope and rebuild trust. This is why I encourage family members to seek their own therapist and/or group support, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family and Friends. Hope is key, and many people go on to live healthy, fulfilling lives. It is absolutely possible.